I wrote this over a month ago and forgot about posting it until now. Happy late birthday present to me...
My best friend texted me at 9am to say "Happy Birthday. Don't feel old because you aren't." Well too fucking bad. I spotted a crowsfoot and my back hurt when I woke up this morning. I get roaring hangovers from any more than 3 drinks. I have fucking life insurance. I pay bills. The impending doom of aging is upon me. It's not that I truly feel that old (because I'm not, duh), but I'm aware of the years ahead of me being closer than they might appear. The crowsfeet just at the corners of my eyes took 22 years to assemble themselves and will burrow themselves so deep within my face in the next 3 years that they will be vast enough to store some of my plentiful emotional baggage in.
On the more deepinsidemyownhead side of things, I'm unsure of whether this birthday is a welcome advancement or not. I've felt somewhere between having been 30 for the past 5 years and having never left 16. I still waffle about what I want to be when I grow up and wish I lived with my parents. I love wine and have a life insurance policy (that bears repeating). I read magazines for life advice and have also considered seeing a therapist. I'm on this cusp of growing up while already having been an adult for a little while. Things are suddenly seeming degrees more serious than they ever have before. My old-soul/pensive nature lends itself well to coping with this reality. But the other side of me - the one that says OMG too often and loves a good gossip session - is flipping a shit. Everything was easy and low stakes and then, suddenly, HELP I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE REALITY. Things are important now. I have to make real decisions about my future (granted, I've bought myself two more years of no commitment with grad school) and start thinking forward. When will I get married? How do I budget for moving to London? What really matters in life? What should I do to get away from the gun nuts? My pragmatic side has always dealt with these things just fine but now that side is more in demand than it has ever been before which is where the freak out is stemming from.
I don't know how to handle it. I never do. But that's life, yo. C'est la vie. Carpe Diem. Carpe Birth-diem? At least I am doing better than the ladies from Sex and the City. I've got that to fall back on.